nanjing, above and below

it's always sunny in philadelphia.





















nanjing eye in the sky.






















the clanton pony ride. all the rage for those that are going to marry him.





















a reverse clanton maneuver, only attempt if fully qualified.

Web M.me.

over the past few years i've developed this odd superpower. it's even better than the one where i can stop traffic merely by stepping out in front of cars. it appears that i am also able to predict inclement weather two days before it occurs. i do this by developing sinus infections and oozing goo. some might say that this is just a hyper-sensitivity to low pressure systems, i say i'm a mighty, mighty instrument for good. to verify this i spent all day on webmd. which was a bad idea, because now i think i may have any or all of the following maladies and/or deficiencies:

1.not enough "brown fat".
2. raynaud's phenomenon: (cold feet and hands as an "overresponse to cold temperatures") so true. i totally get cold in cold weather.
3.non-permanent sexual arousal syndrome (nPSAS): okay, so, i didn't specifically find this one, but there is a permanent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) whereby a person can have hundreds of orgasms on a daily basis. i just don't have that many. in a month. anymore.
4.aquagenic urticaria: allergic to water. water tastes icky and i just don't like it. it tastes like fish sex. yes, it does.
5. xerostomia (dry mouth): that's probably in response to the water allergy. or excessive pot smoking.
6. pica. i don't actually have this but i think my cat might.
7. koro (shrinking penis syndrome): i'm almost sure that i have this.
8. auditory hallucinations: because i could swear i hear myself asking my students a question but their collective silence indicates that i may just be hallucinating speech.

i suggest if you ever visit webmd that you do it quick like or you might be spending the next week googling OCD treatments and transitory halitosis.

si yao jiu

sunday, april 19th is a momentous day for those of us that have wandering eyes and illicit thoughts. "si yao jiu" as it is amorously known in the motherland celebrates the grand tradition of one night stands. si- "four", yao- "one", jiu "nine", literally translates as four-one-nine and sounds suspiciously like what happens when i drink too much and wake up the next morning wondering where my bra is. if you are normally not inclined to hit it and quit it, i believe this is the one day that you must do just that. so, merry bed-hopping and don't let the hair of the dog hit you in the ass on the way out.

twenty

i've been playing twenty questions with my students and i decided to jot the winners down here, on my blog, that i totally forgot i had until, like 10 minutes ago.

when thinking about her best friend, dorm buddy and . . .
question: can we have it?
answer: I can. anytime.
question: can we touch it?
answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

when thinking about a special type of fruit found in a specific location in china
question: is it a person?
answer: no it's a fruit. but you have to guess what kind?
question: is it a ? ( i don't actually know the fruit name in english. because my students don't know the word for it in english. my guess is that it has no english name. we'll just call it a watercantape.)
anwer: yes, now guess where it's from.
question: your mother.

when thinking about a computer
question: is it necessary for our everyday lives?
answer: yes.
then someone says "computer"
at which point the smarty-pantses in the front row argue about the "necessity" of a computer.
so i ask them if they like QQ - a chinese chat site. (because everyone in china under the age of ancient has a QQ number.)
response: yes. but that's QQ. we're talking about computers.
(this wouldn't be nearly as entertaining if they get the internet on their mobile phones. but they don't. so it is.)

when thinking about water
question: what color is it?
answer: it's no color. maybe all colors. (turning to me and asking loudly and in front of everyone that suppose to be guessing- "what color is water?)

when thinking of wentworth miller from prison break
question: what does his job do? (fantastic chinglish construction if i might say so myself)
answer: he is my star.
question: what does the person look like?
answer: he looks like a star. i just said that.
question: what color does he have? (again with the direct quotes)
answer: black, white, yellow, green, red . . . he has body scabs.
at which point i say wtf and clarify, "uh, body SCABS?"
at which point she gestures emphatically at my neck and loudly announces to the class, "scabs, scabs, like you have."
- we were going for tattoos. i still don't know where the scabs came from, but you can bet your ass i'm going to get THAT looked at.