WAHINE INSTRUCTIONS

go to 'new post' and then click the pretty landscape picture on the bar of options above this line.
go to 'choose files' and get an image from your computer. 

then click 'add selected', if the blue box is around the image that you want.  click the orange publish and you're done. 

rat in rabbit

i blame facebook. and the fact that i didn't have a working proxy until four months ago. it's chinese new year 2011, year of the bunny and i thought i'd start blogging again. because blogging about 2010 would have been as redundant as tweeting "nanjing can suck it." no worries, i'm in shanghai now which is so much better for the following reasons:

1. the metro. because traveling above ground is so 2000-late.




















2. nanjing road shopping. my friends starbucks and sephora live here.















3. pajamas in public. enough said.













4. the nightlife is super naughty. and nice, probably.


-bar rouge










5. . . and the bund. a label that confounds us all.














xin nian kuai le!

fall 411

it's been fracking for.ever since i could jump the great firewall of china long enough to post so i'll summarize briefly:

august: spent some time in shanghai after returning from the states. i learned that not all pink houses are prostitution outlets. some are bakeries AND prostitution outlets.

september: i focused more on learning the chinese language. i now know how to say "no cow intestines for me, thanks."

october: i developed a deep obsession for goldfish crackers. it was almost time for an intervention until i pulled myself back from the brink. i now covet banana chips. it's a slippery slope to trail mix from here.

november: discovered that as much as i enjoy students making snowmen that flip the bird and have the heads of demon dogs, i really don't enjoy the cold. at. all.

december: ran out of incense. reeks of weed in my house.

suck free. for a month.

so, i have not been able to get to my blogspot for two months because china sucks. now that i am suck free, i'll update my new location with a pictorial.


this is nanjing, where i buy cheese and smoke weed.

it's also where i flex my chinglish skills and learn nifty things like how to solve my plumbing problems with the aid of a gatorade bottle and a chopstick.

buy and fly in progress. i'll update after i'm drunk.

this book's wackity-wack. yo.

being an english professor takes hard work and dedication and as we are six weeks away from being fini with this semester, i have taken it upon myself to actually crack the textbooks that i have been "teaching" from for over three months now.

CHAPTER THREE

COUPLES: WHAT WENT WRONG?
here we have a spirited diatribe regarding the fates of these infamous couplages.

richard gere and cindy crawford
















answer: he's gay.
text answer: she wanted to have children and he refused.
final answer: because. HE IS GAY.

lyle lovett and julia roberts
















answer: it was the nineties, people were doing crazy shiz left and right.
text answer: the big difference in age became a problem.
final answer: the nineties looked something like this - mr. big, slap bracelets, the term "fart knocker" and rwandan genocide.

nicole kidman and tom cruise

















answer: tom cruise is a fracking loon.
text answer: they both wanted to pursue their own careers.
final answer: he has become an irritable skin condition on the crazy prairie mammal of celebritydom.
in re: "You are maxing out. Wearing out the welcome. Becoming less the tolerable and moderately talented and mildly likable megastar and more like an itchy boil on the deranged ferret of popular culture, requiring lancing."- Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

bruce willis and demi moore















answer: mrs. kutcher is ground zero for cougar fever.
text answer: it was a stormy relationship and there were rumors of affairs on both sides.
final answer: ME-OW. kitty's got claws.

nanjing, above and below

it's always sunny in philadelphia.





















nanjing eye in the sky.






















the clanton pony ride. all the rage for those that are going to marry him.





















a reverse clanton maneuver, only attempt if fully qualified.

Web M.me.

over the past few years i've developed this odd superpower. it's even better than the one where i can stop traffic merely by stepping out in front of cars. it appears that i am also able to predict inclement weather two days before it occurs. i do this by developing sinus infections and oozing goo. some might say that this is just a hyper-sensitivity to low pressure systems, i say i'm a mighty, mighty instrument for good. to verify this i spent all day on webmd. which was a bad idea, because now i think i may have any or all of the following maladies and/or deficiencies:

1.not enough "brown fat".
2. raynaud's phenomenon: (cold feet and hands as an "overresponse to cold temperatures") so true. i totally get cold in cold weather.
3.non-permanent sexual arousal syndrome (nPSAS): okay, so, i didn't specifically find this one, but there is a permanent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) whereby a person can have hundreds of orgasms on a daily basis. i just don't have that many. in a month. anymore.
4.aquagenic urticaria: allergic to water. water tastes icky and i just don't like it. it tastes like fish sex. yes, it does.
5. xerostomia (dry mouth): that's probably in response to the water allergy. or excessive pot smoking.
6. pica. i don't actually have this but i think my cat might.
7. koro (shrinking penis syndrome): i'm almost sure that i have this.
8. auditory hallucinations: because i could swear i hear myself asking my students a question but their collective silence indicates that i may just be hallucinating speech.

i suggest if you ever visit webmd that you do it quick like or you might be spending the next week googling OCD treatments and transitory halitosis.