fall 411

it's been fracking for.ever since i could jump the great firewall of china long enough to post so i'll summarize briefly:

august: spent some time in shanghai after returning from the states. i learned that not all pink houses are prostitution outlets. some are bakeries AND prostitution outlets.

september: i focused more on learning the chinese language. i now know how to say "no cow intestines for me, thanks."

october: i developed a deep obsession for goldfish crackers. it was almost time for an intervention until i pulled myself back from the brink. i now covet banana chips. it's a slippery slope to trail mix from here.

november: discovered that as much as i enjoy students making snowmen that flip the bird and have the heads of demon dogs, i really don't enjoy the cold. at. all.

december: ran out of incense. reeks of weed in my house.

suck free. for a month.

so, i have not been able to get to my blogspot for two months because china sucks. now that i am suck free, i'll update my new location with a pictorial.


this is nanjing, where i buy cheese and smoke weed.

it's also where i flex my chinglish skills and learn nifty things like how to solve my plumbing problems with the aid of a gatorade bottle and a chopstick.

buy and fly in progress. i'll update after i'm drunk.

this book's wackity-wack. yo.

being an english professor takes hard work and dedication and as we are six weeks away from being fini with this semester, i have taken it upon myself to actually crack the textbooks that i have been "teaching" from for over three months now.

CHAPTER THREE

COUPLES: WHAT WENT WRONG?
here we have a spirited diatribe regarding the fates of these infamous couplages.

richard gere and cindy crawford
















answer: he's gay.
text answer: she wanted to have children and he refused.
final answer: because. HE IS GAY.

lyle lovett and julia roberts
















answer: it was the nineties, people were doing crazy shiz left and right.
text answer: the big difference in age became a problem.
final answer: the nineties looked something like this - mr. big, slap bracelets, the term "fart knocker" and rwandan genocide.

nicole kidman and tom cruise

















answer: tom cruise is a fracking loon.
text answer: they both wanted to pursue their own careers.
final answer: he has become an irritable skin condition on the crazy prairie mammal of celebritydom.
in re: "You are maxing out. Wearing out the welcome. Becoming less the tolerable and moderately talented and mildly likable megastar and more like an itchy boil on the deranged ferret of popular culture, requiring lancing."- Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

bruce willis and demi moore















answer: mrs. kutcher is ground zero for cougar fever.
text answer: it was a stormy relationship and there were rumors of affairs on both sides.
final answer: ME-OW. kitty's got claws.

nanjing, above and below

it's always sunny in philadelphia.





















nanjing eye in the sky.






















the clanton pony ride. all the rage for those that are going to marry him.





















a reverse clanton maneuver, only attempt if fully qualified.

Web M.me.

over the past few years i've developed this odd superpower. it's even better than the one where i can stop traffic merely by stepping out in front of cars. it appears that i am also able to predict inclement weather two days before it occurs. i do this by developing sinus infections and oozing goo. some might say that this is just a hyper-sensitivity to low pressure systems, i say i'm a mighty, mighty instrument for good. to verify this i spent all day on webmd. which was a bad idea, because now i think i may have any or all of the following maladies and/or deficiencies:

1.not enough "brown fat".
2. raynaud's phenomenon: (cold feet and hands as an "overresponse to cold temperatures") so true. i totally get cold in cold weather.
3.non-permanent sexual arousal syndrome (nPSAS): okay, so, i didn't specifically find this one, but there is a permanent sexual arousal syndrome (PSAS) whereby a person can have hundreds of orgasms on a daily basis. i just don't have that many. in a month. anymore.
4.aquagenic urticaria: allergic to water. water tastes icky and i just don't like it. it tastes like fish sex. yes, it does.
5. xerostomia (dry mouth): that's probably in response to the water allergy. or excessive pot smoking.
6. pica. i don't actually have this but i think my cat might.
7. koro (shrinking penis syndrome): i'm almost sure that i have this.
8. auditory hallucinations: because i could swear i hear myself asking my students a question but their collective silence indicates that i may just be hallucinating speech.

i suggest if you ever visit webmd that you do it quick like or you might be spending the next week googling OCD treatments and transitory halitosis.

si yao jiu

sunday, april 19th is a momentous day for those of us that have wandering eyes and illicit thoughts. "si yao jiu" as it is amorously known in the motherland celebrates the grand tradition of one night stands. si- "four", yao- "one", jiu "nine", literally translates as four-one-nine and sounds suspiciously like what happens when i drink too much and wake up the next morning wondering where my bra is. if you are normally not inclined to hit it and quit it, i believe this is the one day that you must do just that. so, merry bed-hopping and don't let the hair of the dog hit you in the ass on the way out.

twenty

i've been playing twenty questions with my students and i decided to jot the winners down here, on my blog, that i totally forgot i had until, like 10 minutes ago.

when thinking about her best friend, dorm buddy and . . .
question: can we have it?
answer: I can. anytime.
question: can we touch it?
answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

when thinking about a special type of fruit found in a specific location in china
question: is it a person?
answer: no it's a fruit. but you have to guess what kind?
question: is it a ? ( i don't actually know the fruit name in english. because my students don't know the word for it in english. my guess is that it has no english name. we'll just call it a watercantape.)
anwer: yes, now guess where it's from.
question: your mother.

when thinking about a computer
question: is it necessary for our everyday lives?
answer: yes.
then someone says "computer"
at which point the smarty-pantses in the front row argue about the "necessity" of a computer.
so i ask them if they like QQ - a chinese chat site. (because everyone in china under the age of ancient has a QQ number.)
response: yes. but that's QQ. we're talking about computers.
(this wouldn't be nearly as entertaining if they get the internet on their mobile phones. but they don't. so it is.)

when thinking about water
question: what color is it?
answer: it's no color. maybe all colors. (turning to me and asking loudly and in front of everyone that suppose to be guessing- "what color is water?)

when thinking of wentworth miller from prison break
question: what does his job do? (fantastic chinglish construction if i might say so myself)
answer: he is my star.
question: what does the person look like?
answer: he looks like a star. i just said that.
question: what color does he have? (again with the direct quotes)
answer: black, white, yellow, green, red . . . he has body scabs.
at which point i say wtf and clarify, "uh, body SCABS?"
at which point she gestures emphatically at my neck and loudly announces to the class, "scabs, scabs, like you have."
- we were going for tattoos. i still don't know where the scabs came from, but you can bet your ass i'm going to get THAT looked at.

10 things

THINGS THAT DON'T WORK in china:

1. "let's use our INDOOR voices."
2. "why don't we fix it right the first time."
3. "no, really, i DO wear enough clothes. it's a virus. V-I-R-U-S."
4. "honking really loses it's shock factor when you NEVER stop."
5. "is your nicotine level need so high that even a full elevator won't stop you from lighting up?"
6. "diapers only work when you change them."
7. "change is good."
8. "if you stand in the rain too long, you WILL melt." wait. that one does work.
9. "hey, i have an idea. if we wait until everyone gets OFF the bus, we'll have more room to get ON."
10. "saying hello AFTER you've WALKED PAST me will only get you the rear view of me flipping you off."

2 weeks i'll never get back

as much as it pains me, this guy prefers pepsi. whatever.



the parting gift for a ms. jiujiang pageant i was in. or a christmas present from my students. you decide.



bodhi and her ribbon breakfast. because i only feed them paper products.



in china we like to celebrate by displaying our finest in radioactive christmas trees.



i taught him everything he knows. passion fruit is the BOMB!