si yao jiu

sunday, april 19th is a momentous day for those of us that have wandering eyes and illicit thoughts. "si yao jiu" as it is amorously known in the motherland celebrates the grand tradition of one night stands. si- "four", yao- "one", jiu "nine", literally translates as four-one-nine and sounds suspiciously like what happens when i drink too much and wake up the next morning wondering where my bra is. if you are normally not inclined to hit it and quit it, i believe this is the one day that you must do just that. so, merry bed-hopping and don't let the hair of the dog hit you in the ass on the way out.

twenty

i've been playing twenty questions with my students and i decided to jot the winners down here, on my blog, that i totally forgot i had until, like 10 minutes ago.

when thinking about her best friend, dorm buddy and . . .
question: can we have it?
answer: I can. anytime.
question: can we touch it?
answer: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

when thinking about a special type of fruit found in a specific location in china
question: is it a person?
answer: no it's a fruit. but you have to guess what kind?
question: is it a ? ( i don't actually know the fruit name in english. because my students don't know the word for it in english. my guess is that it has no english name. we'll just call it a watercantape.)
anwer: yes, now guess where it's from.
question: your mother.

when thinking about a computer
question: is it necessary for our everyday lives?
answer: yes.
then someone says "computer"
at which point the smarty-pantses in the front row argue about the "necessity" of a computer.
so i ask them if they like QQ - a chinese chat site. (because everyone in china under the age of ancient has a QQ number.)
response: yes. but that's QQ. we're talking about computers.
(this wouldn't be nearly as entertaining if they get the internet on their mobile phones. but they don't. so it is.)

when thinking about water
question: what color is it?
answer: it's no color. maybe all colors. (turning to me and asking loudly and in front of everyone that suppose to be guessing- "what color is water?)

when thinking of wentworth miller from prison break
question: what does his job do? (fantastic chinglish construction if i might say so myself)
answer: he is my star.
question: what does the person look like?
answer: he looks like a star. i just said that.
question: what color does he have? (again with the direct quotes)
answer: black, white, yellow, green, red . . . he has body scabs.
at which point i say wtf and clarify, "uh, body SCABS?"
at which point she gestures emphatically at my neck and loudly announces to the class, "scabs, scabs, like you have."
- we were going for tattoos. i still don't know where the scabs came from, but you can bet your ass i'm going to get THAT looked at.

10 things

THINGS THAT DON'T WORK in china:

1. "let's use our INDOOR voices."
2. "why don't we fix it right the first time."
3. "no, really, i DO wear enough clothes. it's a virus. V-I-R-U-S."
4. "honking really loses it's shock factor when you NEVER stop."
5. "is your nicotine level need so high that even a full elevator won't stop you from lighting up?"
6. "diapers only work when you change them."
7. "change is good."
8. "if you stand in the rain too long, you WILL melt." wait. that one does work.
9. "hey, i have an idea. if we wait until everyone gets OFF the bus, we'll have more room to get ON."
10. "saying hello AFTER you've WALKED PAST me will only get you the rear view of me flipping you off."

2 weeks i'll never get back

as much as it pains me, this guy prefers pepsi. whatever.



the parting gift for a ms. jiujiang pageant i was in. or a christmas present from my students. you decide.



bodhi and her ribbon breakfast. because i only feed them paper products.



in china we like to celebrate by displaying our finest in radioactive christmas trees.



i taught him everything he knows. passion fruit is the BOMB!

pictures of pictures

yep. they're photos within photos. welcome to the matrix.



i totally dig my eyebrows in this one. very "mwwwwwaaaaaaahhhhh" of me.



this would have been just another "charlie's angels" pose if i hadn't busted out my finest "namaste" on their crime fighting asses.



translation: oh, how we adore this crazy peach muffin the americans call Jennifer. she slaves for countless minutes and teaching us many useful phrases. in a word, she is great, like the mighty monkey king.



i think wallet size might be nice. let me know if you need one.

random jiujiang observations

marketing GENIUS!



there's nothing cooler than a condom wearing glasses. and nothing more disturbing than a condom with eyes.



it's charming because the ornaments are still in plastic. and by charming i mean "what the faahhhhk?"



i'm pretty sure that's a snow-DOG. obviously they've given more thought to their snow creatures than we have.



air santa. they're all the rage at the north pole.



the lovely ladies of Where The Hell selling whatever it is that they're selling.

shout-out to IW!

island wahine knows
that white widow does the deed
if amsterdam lethargy is your high
then this is your weed.